My 9th Annual Book Report
NaNoWriMo is imminent once more. Methinks now
is a perfectly auspicious time to take stock of how I’m doing thus far with my
publishing endeavors and to ask my friends which of my in-progress or
in-my-head projects I should tackle exclusively for the month of November. I do
this annually. The non-self-publishing industry has finally noticed that I
exist, and I will publish an average of a book per year until 2095. I don’t
know what my numbers will be then, but these are my numbers to date, in order
of copies sold, completion percentage, and development stage in my brain,
respectively:
Published (11):
The
Emoji Haggadah: 3,022 copies sold. The haggadah, entirely translated into
emojis. My biggest success; my coup de grace; my magnum opus, thus far. There
is more in me, but this is my pinnacle to date. Well regarded, covered in media
everywhere, including the apex: The New York Times, plus attention from popular
bloggers, such as Naomi Nachman. People have tweeted excerpts of it with joy,
which has given me joy. The Covid-19 pandemic couldn’t even halt its far reach.
Yes, it’s a helluva conversation starter with complete strangers, and put me in
touch with certain writers I admire. My favorite writer, A.J. Jacobs, sent me a
postcard, thanking me for enriching his seder. That sent me over the moon. Finally,
it’s in dozens of libraries all over the world, and that makes me deliriously
happy. At last count: 53 libraries, in 19 states, and 8 countries. https://tinyurl.com/theemojihaggadah
Donald
J. Trump Will You Please Go Now!: 897 copies sold. I ran into a huge rights
issue when trying to publish this book in timely fashion for Election Day. I
couldn’t possibly secure permissions for each of the photographs I used. My
legal team advised that the only way around this, considering the time-crunch,
was to give it away for free. So I did that. Dozens of copies are still
downloaded weekly from dozens of book sites, and the Facebook page is filled
with extraordinarily active, lively, angry, prurient sorts. What a strange
success this has been. https://tinyurl.com/djtwypgn
The
Shakespeare Haggadah: 368 copies sold. My 4th Haggadah (tying the
record with the esteemed Dave Cowen) and my most successful and promising so
far. So promising, in fact, that the publisher (Wicked Son, aptly named) is producing
a second version with various enhancements and improvements. This book netted
me my first live video interviews, available online for your viewing pleasure. The
cover is well-appreciated and a real attention-grabber, and the editing staff
remains super enthusiastic about the project. I found the perfect house for
this one. http://tinyurl.com/shakespearehaggadah
The
Festivus Haggadah: 323 copies sold. A mash-up of the haggadah and everything
Seinfeld, but especially the Festivus holiday. My 2nd-best-selling Haggadah.
The creative part of my brain is constantly arguing with itself about which is
the more creative endeavor, this or Emoji. It doesn’t matter who’s right. I
win. This got a lot of good attention too, with more to come, as it’s of prime
national pop-cultural interest. I even got an Amazon review from the mighty
Dave Cowen (I’ve now mentioned him twice. What’s up with that?). Now that sure
was somethin’. https://tinyurl.com/FestivusHaggadah
The
Coronavirus Haggadah: 313 copies sold. I’m shocked to have sold that many, as I
gave it away for free upon publication. Why? Well, I wrote it – the haggadah as
seen through the lens of the 2020(/1/2/3) pandemic, and featuring heaps of
bittersweetness and sarcasm - in a frenzy, but very close to Passover, so I had
no chance to get a proof copy with such little time left. So, free it was to
the world (and I have no way of tracking how many folks grabbed the free
version (https://tinyurl.com/CoronavirusHaggadah), but
I nevertheless created paid book and e-versions, whose proceeds entirely went
to CDC Cares, who really, really needed it at the time. I also put a trackable
version here: https://archive.org/details/coronavirus-haggadah. Lotsa
folks apparently had it at their seder tables, and may there be no use for it
ever again, except for a nostalgic laugh, amen. https://www.lulu.com/en/us/shop/martin-bodek/the-coronavirus-haggadah/paperback/product-186jdv5v.html
Extracts
From Noah’s Diary: 126 copies sold. Mark Twain wrote Extracts from Adam’s
Diary, then followed up later with Eve’s Diary, then did not follow up any
further, save for some parodies of Methuselah’s entries. This is where I came
in; a sequel 100 years overdue. So big, it’s biblical. I was successful in
having it reviewed by a small handful of book sites. I worked hard on the
jokes, and strenuously on the research. It’s actually a giant d’var torah, and
I feel my baby deserves more attention than it’s gotten. It is my first book ever
to grace the New York Public Library’s shelves. I made it to Valhalla. http://tinyurl.com/NoahsDiary
Zaidy’s
War: 123 copies sold. As of this writing, the book is just 3 weeks old. It is
my magnum opus, my family legacy, and it took me 19 years from beginning to end
of the project. It is the story of my grandfather, who experienced mind-blowing
travails during WWII, and somehow managed to serve 4 armies due to wildly
unique circumstances. My wife called him the Forrest Gump of WWII, and he
indeed was. He was present for the largest land battle in human history, and
the final battle of the war, and in many unreal places before and after.
Hopefully, by my next book report, I’ll be able to report on many other accolades
and coverage. I do hope this will surpass anything I’ve ever done to date.
Amsterdam Publishers is the ideal house for this work. They are the largest publisher
of Holocaust literature in Europe, and I could not be happier with the
relationship. https://tinyurl.com/zaidyswar
54 Runners, 54 Stories: The Tale of the 2012 200k JRunners Relay Race: 79
copies sold. JRunners lives on, but its signature sanctioned race is on hiatus,
and I miss it. This is the chronicle of the last such race. I’m very proud of the
dogged efforts I put into this one, in pursuing the stories. I targeted an
entire very-niche market, and sold it to nearly all of them. A sequel might
perhaps one day be written, but it likely requires a full relay to be deserving
of that, and a return to the glory days. It could happen. May we return
speedily to those days, Amen. http://tinyurl.com/JRunnersBook
The Year of Bad Behavior: Bearing Witness to the Uncouthiest of Humanity: 74 copies
sold. The things that people moan and groan about concerning their fellow man,
especially on Facebook, are all covered here. Every time I revisit the
manuscript, it feels so current. Proud of this one too. http://tinyurl.com/BehaviorBook
A
Conversation on The Way: 70 copies sold. An imagined conversation between a
believer and a skeptic on a morning walk to synagogue, based on my own
experiences. Reviewed on several blogger sites, featured at the YU Seforim
Sale, and nicely received. I especially enjoy the artwork by Dena Szpilzinger,
the first hired professional of my writing career. I’m hoping to afford other
services, like editing and publicity, though I am grateful to my volunteers,
particularly Messrs. Michael Sharf, Jeff Goodstein, and Yaakov Sash. http://tinyurl.com/ConvoBook
Bush
II, Book I: 67 copies sold. The King-James-esque telling of the 2nd
Bush’s 1st term. The world has found this book, my first-born. It
exists somewhere that’s getting attention. Kindle versions are constantly
finding themselves into strangers’ hands. Every time 9/11 approaches, I get a
spike in sales. No coincidence that my first book has the fewest sales,
but there’s no shame in that at all. This got my feet wet, and I learned – and continue
to learn – a lot about the business. http://tinyurl.com/BushIIBookI
In progress (13):
Bush
II, Book II: Manuscript 47% complete. I haven’t tackled this in a while, but
it’s time to return. The attention the first book is getting warrants this.
Also, I really didn’t think I wouldn’t get the sequel out before Obama’s tenure
was complete. Trump, Book I would be a nutball project to tackle. Biden, Book I
would be incoherent. Ah har har har.
The
Year of Bad Behavior II: More Scalawags, Dirtbags, Bullyrags, and Lollygags:
Manuscript 30% complete. I also must return to this as well. The format differs
from its prequel – grievances are ordered by category, rather than written as
diary entries – and I think I’ll have an interesting product when complete.
NJTransit’s stupidities, on their own, warrant a complete spin-off.
A
Conversation on the Conversation: Manuscript 20% complete. The first book is
begging for a sequel, but it’s going to take lots of work. The quasi-fictional
idea is that the original becomes a best-seller, and I’m invited to a talk show
to discuss. This is the hard part. I and my interviewer pore over the original
manuscript point for point, and I also will include rebuttals to my arguments
that I received (in real life) from readers. It’s daunting, big big, but I’ll
get it done somehow.
Hilchos
Goyish Yomim Tovim for Yiden: Manuscript 13.5% complete. For the past few
years, I’ve published “halachic” overviews of secular holidays on
bangitout.com. Particularly, targeting Jewish folk who really want to immerse
themselves in American culture. I’ve also peppered Facebook with random
“halachic” ideas for all sorts of secular situations. It’s silly, but the
funniness is appreciated. Why not dedicate a whole book to the farce? I
identified 37 generally known American major and sub-sub-major holidays. Since
I’ve written “piskei halacha” on 5 of these days, including the venerated “snow
day,” I’m already 13.5% done! And yes, the title’s a bit crass. I’ll work on
that.
The Man
Who Read 1,001 Books Before He Died: 11.6% complete. You know those popular
1,001 xxx to xxx Before You Die books? Specifically, the Books to Read one? I
thought it would be a neat trick to actually read those 1,001 books and write
about the experience. This was what I NaNoWriMoed eight years ago, and I’ve
been fully immersed since. Whether you measure my status by the number of books
I’m up to (116) or the pace at which I’ll read them (I’m scheduled to finish in
November 2081. I should live so long!), the number is 11.6%. I’ve got a long
way to go, but the progress will be steady. There is no question it’ll be the
largest work I’ll ever put out. Not even eight years in, it stands at 68,000
words/242 pages.
Forty
Runners Less One: Stories and Glories From the 2013 200k JRunners 200k Relay
Race: Manuscript 11% complete. I collected the runner stories and also
conducted interviews when needed. I also collected stories for the 2014 version
of the race, and actually got 25% of the pack’s write-ups. Same for 2015, but
with a drastically dwindled amount, and for 2016, with even smaller numbers,
and for 2017, with almost nothing. Alas, there has been no relay since. It
looks like the runners are more eager to contribute, as mentioned above, when
the relay is a full one. I think I have to pull that off before I pull a book
sequel off, in which all past year’s entries that I have on file will be
included. I’ll target the same niche group as the original, and hopefully
attract more runners to the great race.
And Mordechai Wrote: 3% complete. My paternal grandfather’s memoirs. The man
for whom I am named recorded his thoughts about losing his wife and three
children in WWII, surfacing from the ashes with his faith intact, marrying my
grandmother, rebuilding a home with six children, then suffering for years from
lung cancer until his death at age 47. He called the collection Vayichtav
Mordechai, and it is entirely written in Hebrew. I started the translation six
NaNoWriMos ago, but admittedly fell off the wagon when I found a new job, plus
I jumped into other writing projects. I have to re-shift priorities and jump
back on the wagon again. I’ll revisit after I complete my next haggadah, and
hope to produce this before the end of next year, or, preferably before next
Yom HaShoah.
The Man
Who Read 1,001 Children’s Books Before He Died: 2.5% complete. Something tells
me I might actually die before I read all 1,001 grown-up books that I need to
before I die. Maybe no, maybe yes, so I need a sub-project I might actually
finish. This might do the trick, and also kills two birds with one stone: My
wife has been after me for years to produce a children’s book (she says my
Trump book doesn’t count). The only way I can really understand the mechanics
of one is to, well, read them, all. So that’s what I’m doing, and I’m
chronicling the experience. I’m barely out of the gate at this point, with only
25 read so far, but this will gather a head of steam quickly, I gather.
The
<classified> Haggadah. 2% complete. The only hint I can give you is that
I must break my haggadah tie with Dave Cowen (3 times now!). The only clue I
can give you is that I’m targeting another pop culture demographic. That’s it.
That’s all your getting. I must have this out before next Passover, so I’m
heavily leaning towards NaNoWriMo for this one.
My
First 37 Marathons: The Running Story of a Midpack Runner: Putting all my
marathon running reports together. Hoping I can find them all. I wonder if I’ll
be successful. If I can actually find them, collating should be a snap.
Everything’s already been written! This would include the as-yet-unwritten
reports that I have all notes for, and would exclude the Makeshift Marathon I
ran when Sandy canceled NYC in 2012, and also the thirteen ultras I’ve run. Or
maybe they shouldn’t be excluded at all, as I’ve run 50 marathons-or-longer.
I’ll think about it.
Children's Book #1 with Classified Title: I'm trying to write a parody of a
famous children's book. My fresh angle is to switch the antagonist and
protagonist’s points of view. First draft did not pass muster with my
Editor-in-Chief. Not creative enough. Will submit new drafts shortly.
Children's
Book #2 with Classified Title: I'm trying to write a parody of a less famous - albeit more notorious - children's book.
First draft did not pass muster with my Editor-in-Chief. Too tawdry. Will
submit new drafts shortly.
The Knish’s Best 192 Articles of the First 192 it’s Published: I launched the
first issue 19 years ago, and released issue #32, the last one more than a few
years back. The time may have arrived – as with my Marathon project above – to
house them all in a single compendium, as a way of celebrating the site’s 6th
anniversary of its Bar Mitzvah. Everything’s written, I just need to write an
intro and a timeline and do a pile of formatting. Shouldn’t be a big deal. Problem,
though, would be how to share revenue with all the writers. What would be a
fair system?
In my
head (20):
How the Countries Got Their Shapes: I read a wonderful book entitled How the
States Got Their Shapes, by Mark Stein. It’s exactly what you think it is. I
did the best research I could, and could find not a single book that covers the
concept on a global scale. Prisoners of Geography, by Tim Marshall, comes
close. I could be the man who could fill that gap. I would enjoy the research
very much. I wonder if I’d have to ask the author of the inspiration for
permission before proceeding.
The
Israel/Gaza War: The 102nd Bloodiest Conflict in the World in 2014: Amid the
swaths of the myriad piles of articles I read on the topic, one little factoid
stood out to me out of all others: that little statistic that I think would be
an alarming book title. Because Israel has so many challenges coming from all
directions, it also – as a silver lining of sorts – creates opportunities for
people concerned for her to battle on her behalf. Perhaps I could contribute in
this way, by helping to focus attention away from Israel and towards at least
101 other places on earth that deserve more international concern and
intervention. I would have to come face to face with a lot of evil, though,
plus the research would be difficult, and the data murky. This might be a
calling I might have to answer, though.
Territorial Disputes: A Primer on the 600 Other International Land Quarrels No
One Knows or Cares About, But Should: Along the same lines as above: a very
long story, very short: somehow a miracle happened that the president of a
publishing company invited me to present to his committee - that publishes
books in a “Things You Need To Know” motif - my thoughts around how only Israel
– and perhaps Cyprus/Turkey and India/Pakistan – gets vilified over its land
issues with its neighbors. My project was declined, but it’s being kept on the
burner. If they won’t go with it, perhaps I’ll strike out on my own (something
I’m familiar with). As above, this might be an opportunity to shine the
spotlight on an area more deserving, and away from where it is currently. Which
project would be worthier? Hmmm…
Children's
Book #3 with Classified Title: Oh man, another antagonist/protagonist switching
parody idea hit me, following a visit to a noted children’s author’s museum.
This is how I intentionally seek inspiration. It works! I’ll be fleshing this
one out too.
Children's Book #4 with Classified Title: I was inspired by a series of
photographs that I took of my children. My Editor-in-Chief has some great ideas
about spinning it into a bedtime story. I’m pondering the text, and will need
an illustrator to convert the pictures we have into artwork for the book.
Parenting Book with Classified Title: There are many parenting books out there.
Most of them are garbage. I have an idea for one with a healthy dose of humor
and a large general twist. My everyday parenting keeps inspiring ideas for the
project. I think I’m to begin putting pen-to-paper on this shortly.
The Inevitables: A Gladwellian idea I have about people who spend their entire
lives in pursuit of a specific career, switch to something else on a dime, and
become wildly successful despite a complete lack of practice or the 10,000
hours Gladwell himself talks about.
Universals: The Differences and Similarities Between Global Cultures: I’m
fascinated by this. There are things that are the same 99% of everywhere (basic
utensils, green is go, cash for service, elemental human needs), and things
that are different 99% of everywhere (voting systems, traffic handling,
cordiality, attire, interpretation of freedom, hand gestures, justice). I’d
like to explore. I’ve been traveling more lately on behalf of my corporation,
and my cultural experiences have expanded, as has my curiosity.
Speakers of the Torah: My first actual sefer-esque idea. While researching my
Noah book, it struck me how little dialogue God has with his direct primordial
creations. Noah never speaks to God. Adam speaks two utterances to his Creator.
Eve speaks to Him more than her husband does. There is also limited dialogue
between man and man. I read a discourse by the famous Nechama Leibowitz on the
dialogues of the biblical Joseph. She made fascinating conclusions, and it left
me intrigued. I think this idea is worth exploring in full, and I wonder where
the research will take me. I focused on this for NaNoWriMo 2019 and fantastic
statistical revelations really popped out as I went elbow-deep into the text. I
might have something here. I have Torah in me. I should get it out. I won’t
lose focus on the grandfather memoirs, promise.
Things that Drive Me Crazy About the Talmud: My second actual even more
sefer-esque idea. My shadchan self-published a sefer recently, borne out of
notes he kept while learning through TaNaCH over a 15-year period. They were
truly original thoughts that he compressed into a single, impressive volume. I
realized while reading that our thought-lines were quite similar, especially in
regards to the myriad unanswered questions – and potentially original ones –
that I had about the gemorah, in which I’m currently immersed in my third cycle
of learning. I have begun to keep notes, and here too, I will look back after a
time and see if I have anything worthy of being recorded in a single large
volume. Apologies, I don’t have a more polite title at this time – and maybe
I’ll just go with it.
If
These Objects Could Talk. I was inspired by the candlesticks my wife inherited
from her great-grandmother. The family took it with them when on the run, and
in hiding, during WWII. I was also inspired by a similar story of the late
Ba’al Hamaor, Rav Meir Amsel, whose family brought their SHaS with them through
all their difficult war travels, resulting in a family tradition for every Bar
Mitzvah boy to do his first learning out of this said SHaS. It strikes me that
if these objects could talk about their experiences and journeys, it would make
a fascinating, illuminating, enriching read. A book called The Hare with Amber
Eyes, by Edumnd de Waal covers very similar ground. I would publicly post a
call for stories, and would probably get some very interesting responses. The
more I ponder this one, the more worthy it seems.
Where
Stuff Comes From. Did you know that 28.5% of the world’s beer comes from
Mexico? Did you know that 30% of the world’s coconuts come from Indonesia?
Madagascar grows 41% of the world’s vanilla. China produces 67% of the world’s
cement. Spain makes 75% of the world’s olive oil. Isn’t all that fascinating?
Wouldn’t it be interesting to know where exactly everything comes from? It’s
interesting to me. I’d buy a book to read about it. Methinks I have to write it
so I can read it.
Where
U.S. Stuff Comes From. Did you know that 60% of the USA’s cranberries come from
Wisconsin? Did you know that 60% of the USA’s sweet potatoes come from North
Carolina? 99% of artichokes are grown in California. 100% (!!!) of sorghum, rice,
soybeans, eggs, dairy, pork, chicken and turkey meat is made right at home. As
a matter of fact, 87% of what Americans eat and drink is produced on home base.
Wouldn’t this be fun to explore too? Wouldn’t it be fun for curious sorts from
all countries to know where their stuff comes from? If the answer is yes, I’d
be happy to have 100% of this information come from me.
A Brief
History of Every One of the 3,000 Haggadot Ever Written. Three Passovers ago, I
was commissioned by the editors of The Jewish Book Council to write A Brief
History of the Haggadah (https://www.jewishbookcouncil.org/pb-daily/a-brief-history-of-the-haggadah). The research led me to various and fascinating places. I covered
2% of the total by citing 60 haggadot in their relevance and contexts. Upon
completion, I thought: wouldn’t it be wild to get my hands – or my eyes,
through museum glass – on each and every one of them? Wouldn’t that be an awesome
collection, and adventure? Vanessa L. Ochs recently published The Passover
Haggadah: A Biography, which covers similar ground, but my idea might be more
ambitious, and certainly more peripatetic. This would need massive travel
funding, though. Just an idea for now.
Something
New Under the Sun. Catchy title, no? You know how sometimes you’re learning
Gemara, and you swear something scientific they’re discussing has the credit
given to some European astronomer, like 500 years later? What’s up with that? The
naming of the 7 planets in the Talmud is one example. Dabbling in Game Theory
is another. There are many others. One part of the book would be giving proper
credit where it’s due. Another would be to highlight that something scientific,
with credit centuries later, was preceded with a Jewish discoverer, but the
true origin might go back even further. I’d need a PhD in history or something
to do this, but if I think of enough excellent examples, this might be worth
fleshing out.
Biography
idea. I admire certain people, and I’d like to tell their stories. But who
exactly am I to do that, and why would anyone want to partake from my offering?
Well, I’m arrogant enough to believe that I’ve come up with a novel, immersive
way of telling a life story. Before I’d even begin, I’d first have to be
actually making a living as a writer, because the concept would require
enormous amounts of travel and time away from family. Let’s get to where this
is even financially viable before I embark.
Obama, Book I: Must Finish Bush II, Book II first.
Obama, Book II: I never thought there’d be a sequel. I have a lot to learn.
Trump,
Book I: OMG, do I have to? Previous presidents paced themselves with a scandal
per year. This guy created one every time he spoke with his mouth or thumbs. I
would never get done with writing such a thing.
Biden,
Book I: See three paragraphs directly above.
When you let me know which project I should tackle – or stay focused on - for
November, also please let me know what my grade is on my report.
Oh, and feel free to avail yourself to a book of mine or two (I just passed the
5,462 copies sold mark. Whoa.) at 50%-75% off the MSRP. I'll have several more
items on my straining bookshelf for you very soon, but for now, truly, the
lineup of 11 is quite colorful, and pleasing to the eye – at least to
mine: https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/mbodekatgmaildotcom, http://tinyurl.com/BodekKindleBooks
Man, I also gotta resurrect TheKnish.com, write my next surname article (It’s
been how many years?), catch up on my travelogues and marathon run write-ups…
