Monday, November 14, 2011

My First Roast

I was asked to participate in a friend's roast, and was delighted with the opportunity! I hope I've acquitted myself with my first go at the concept. If you think I've done well, hey, I do wedding and bar mitzvahs. Writing material for roasts is HARD, but FUN!:

Good evening everyone, it's a pleasure to be here this evening roasting our friend Yaakov. It's really nice that his wife invited so many of his close friends. Looking around, it's obvious though, that none of them accepted the invitation.

So she asked me to say some nice things about her husband. But ya know, I'd rather tell the truth.

But what can you say about a man who's admired, revered and loved by everyone? I can start by saying he's not the man we're honoring tonight. Instead, we're roasting Yaakov.

I'm at a disadvantage though, as most everyone here knew Yaakov from back in the day, whereas I only know him as an excellently-coiffed metaphor-spouting Star Wars-geeking partially-whipped whiskey-sucking superskinny crybaby. Actually, upon further review, this seems to be the same person he was back in the day, except then he was called Jake. Ooh, big difference.

Let's start with the easy target. Look at this guy. Ever seen anybody skinnier?

Yaakov is so skinny, his nipples touch.

He is so skinny, his pajamas have one stripe.

He is so skinny, C3P0 uses a Yaakov costume as a Purim outfit.

He is so skinny, people think he struggles with Bulimia - but I think he's pretty good at it.

let's switch to something a bit more controversial, shall we? Yaakov likes his whiskey, a lot.

His doctor recently found traces of blood in his alcohol stream.

I actually thought of doing this roast as Foster Brooks, but I'd probably appear sober to Yaakov.

He drinks so much, when alcohol does its taxes, it lists him as a dependent.

For his new job, he had to provide a urine sample. There was an olive in it.

His liver is probably so black, it had sex with Lisa Lampanelli.

And is there a shaila about his geekiness?

Yaakov is such a geek that he's probably the only person in this room who knows that 00101010 is the answer to the most profound question in the universe.

He's such a geek, DOS was his favorite toy as a child.

But what really defines our guest of honor is what a crybaby he is. He cries during kol na'arim, he cries when the space shuttle launches, he cries when he makes speeches, he cries when he can't keep up with Elmore Leonard's books, he cries when Threadsy goes out of business, and of course, he cries at the thought of becoming shul president.

I mean, what do you call a man this dedicated to his shul, to his family, to his craft? You call him Pinny. (our shul president)

I kid, of course. We only roast the ones we love. Tonight, we've proven the exception to that rule.

But seriously, our man Yaakov is the king of metaphors, which is worth mentioning as I close, because when the chips are down and the stakes are high and it's the bottom of the ninth and you need to win one for the gipper and you need someone who's got your back and won't let you down and it's do or die and it's now or never and your back is to the wall and you're running on empty and the gauntlet's thrown down and you need all hands on deck and the whole nine yards and there's no turning back and there's no way out and the going gets tough, who you gonna call? Duh, you call my wife, but Yaakov's a good backup.

In truth, Yaakov, you're a consummate professional, a devoted husband, a doting daddy, a great vice president, a helluva programmer, an excellent friend and - please don't cry on me - an amazing legacy for your father.

Happy 40th birthday, my friend, ad meah v'esrim.


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