My Run-in with Yankees Security - and the Start of "Bad Behavior II"

While "The Year of Bad Behavior" is being finalized (Coming soon! Patience!), I've been patiently waiting for an interesting story to begin "Bad Behavior II: More Scalawags, Dirtbags, Bullyrags and Lollygags" (Whaddya think of the title?). Finally, I got my story, and this is how my new book will begin:

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I try to head out to The Stadium at least once a year to catch my beloved Yankees. I usually go with my brothers-in-law. They and my wife are from Minnesota, and the trash-talking is a lovely enhancement of the baseball experience.

My party makes its way inside and I’m last in, but security stops me. This is the conversation that ensues:

Security guy: “That’s a Kindle.”
Me: “Yeah?”
Security guy: “I’m sorry, sir, you can’t come into the stadium with a Kindle.”
Me: “What?”
Security guy: “I’m sorry, you can’t come in with it.”
Me: “Why not?”
Security guy: “Um, hey , I’ve got a guy with a Kindle.”
Pit boss: “I’m sorry sir, you can’t come in with a Kindle.”
Me: “Why not?”
Pit boss: “It’s a distraction, sir.”
Me: “A distraction? A distraction for what?”
Pit boss: “Fouls balls, announcements n’ stuff.”
Me: “In that case, you shouldn’t let me in with this book (Too Far From Home, by Chris Jones), or anyone with a BlackBerry or phone, or kids!”
Pit boss: “I’m sorry sir, I don’t make the policy.”
Me: “Of course you don’t. Fine, is there a locker I can rent where I can put in my bag?”
Pit boss: “No sir, sorry.”
Me: “What? Is Yankee stadium going to turn away my business?”
Pit boss: “Well, there are stores around where you can rent a locker.”
Me: “Okay, can you point me to one?”
Pit boss: “Try Stan’s, it’s about a block and a half that way.”

So I look for Stan’s, which is half a block away, but there are no lockers to speak of, just open space behind the counter. And whaddya know is back there? Dozens of Kindles with tags on them!

I grab some food from the kosher stand, rejoin my group, wipe off the slight drizzle from my seat, sit myself down, enjoy the atmosphere – and the game is postponed.

Postponed? This isn’t even rain! It’s mist! I say, if we can sit through it, you can play through it. Somebody get me the Steinbrenners on the phone. Arrrgh, whatever, I’m outta here, and I’m sure the policy about rained out tickets is a very simple process.

On the train home, three clearly inebriated Yankee fans spot a Twins fan halfway down the train (overlooking my brother-in-law and nephew, whose hats are covered by hoodies) and have the following conversation at 145 decibels:

Drunks: “Ahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Minnesota sucks!”
Twinkie: “Yeah, well they didn’t suck last night!”
Sots: “Yeah, well they sucked the night before! Hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”
Minnesotan: “Yeah, well they sucked against Texas last year!”
Boozers: “Yeah, well you suck! Ahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

Okay, so they don’t descend into “Hey Trebek, I had shecks with your mother lasht night” territory, but jeez, can you keep it down a bit? And how drunk are you when we didn’t even get a game in???