72 Halachic Questions on Gay Marriage

I'm published again! Woohoo! Always a thrill for me, always a rush. This article has been put up on bangitout.com and will appear in an upcoming issue of Jewcy.com, where I've had designs on being published. Here is the article in full. This is not for the squeamish:

72 Halachic Questions on Gay Marriage
by
Martin Bodek

For two women:

1) Do they both have to deal with nidda issues?
2) If not, do they flip for it or switch off?
3) For mother/daughter lunches, do they both have to show up?
4) For Shabbos, do they both bentch separate lecht or do they share?
5) Which one is not allowed to be on top?
6) Do both have to cover their hair?
7) Could they serve as each other’s Mikvah Lady?
8) If their child needs a refuah, which mother’s name is mentioned?
9) Do they change it to “Kol hamisameach kallah v’kallah”?
10) When their children marry, which one breaks the plate with the machtenste?
11) Does one of them say Boruch Shepatrani at their son's bar mitzvah?
12) Do both have to know where the kesubah is at all times?
13) For the aufruf, do the men throw candies into the ezras nashim?
14) Is there a kallah’s tish, or do both sit in giant wicker chairs in separate rooms?
15) Are they allowed to be meyached with other people’s wives?
16) Are they automatic agunahs if they want to get divorced?
17) Do both have to see Dam Besulin on the wedding night?
18) Are they allowed a pileg-ish?
19) If their son is from an anonymous donor, what name does he use for an aliyah?
20) Would their kehillah have an ezras anashim?
21) Can they be koneh each other with biyah?
22) If so, when has biyah officially taken place?
23) When the elbow makes its first appearance?

For two men:

24) How do they become a nidda?
25) For father/son learning programs, do they both have to show up?
26) Under the chupa, does one of them say “Harei atoh mekudash li”?
27) Which one is not allowed to be on bottom?
28) Do either of them have to cover their hair?
29) In the mikvah, do they get a Mikvah Man assigned to them?
30) Do they both break the glass?
31) Do they change it to “Kol hamisameach chosson v’chosson”?
32) Do they change it to “Kaitzad merockdim lifnei hachoson”?
33) Is there an “Ish Chayil” song for them?
34) If so, do both sing it on Friday nights?
35) Under the chuppah, does the circler’s father or mother hold his coattails?
36) Do they arrange for flower boys in their honor?
37) A “Moch dachuk” must be pretty painful, no?
38) When their surrogate gets pregnant, are the niddah laws suspended for 9 months?
39) Are they allowed to look at “Ohsoy Makom”?
40) So they never have to deal with agunah issues, huh?
41) If both are in kollel, how rich do their parents have to be to support them?
42) Is a gartel unnecessary for the mitzvah tantz?
43) Would they qualify for WIC?
44) Are they allowed to be meyached with other people’s husbands?
45) Can they share pilagshim or do they have to commit to their own?
46) If they refuse to divorce each other, whose legs get broken?
47) Is coveting thy neighbor’s wife considered a good thing?
48) If one of them has smicha, what title does the other one get?
49) When their surrogate is pregnant, is their act not considered zorah levatolo?
50) If they’re too frum to wear rings, what do they use for kedushin?
51) Do they have to bring their soiled underwear to a Rebbetzin?

For both:

52) How does the badeken work exactly?
53) Under the chuppah, which is the circler and which is the circlee?
54) Would their brother or sister perform yibum/chalitzah?
55) Are the wedding eidim possul if they’re related by gay marriage?
56) Whose last name do they use?
57) Who gets first dibs on the baby naming?
58) For shidduch dates, who calls, does the pickup and reports first to the shadchen?
59) How does FLOPS work exactly?
60) Is Tay-Sach testing necessary?
61) Who proposes?
62) On which side of the mechitza do they dance?
63) Does the yichud room have different time-minimum calibrations?
64) If they sit together at simchas, is it taaruvos?
65) Who bentches the children on Friday nights?
66) How are they announced at the wedding entrance?
67) Is the pants-wearer the one who puts their foot forward under the chuppah?
68) On Pesach, who slaves and who rests for the strain of eating past midnight?
69) On Shvuous, who slaves and who rests for the strain of falling asleep in a sefer?
70) On Succos, who slaves and who rests for the strain of hiring sukkah-builders?
71) If someone is mesameach them, is he/she only zoche to four kolos?
72) Do they have to use a hole in the sheet?

Copyright © 2007, Martin Bodek. Article may be distributed via e-mail at will, but may only be reprinted or republished with my permission. Removal of my name from this work constitutes theft under Jewish and American Law.