Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Trotting Out an Old Chanukah Chestnut

I wrote this article two years ago. It hasn't become quite as popular as the others I've written and it hasn't been plagiarized at all (which I consider an honor of sorts), but 'tis the season (and it's day 8, so it's most appropriate), so why not attempt to revive the viralty (to coin a phrase) of this effort:

The Eight Days of Chanuka
Martin Bodek
(Published December, 2005 on
Jew Central )

On the first day of Chanuka,
My leebshaft gave to me
The fattiest sufganiyot that I’ve ever seen.

On the second day of Hannuka,
My zeeskeit gave to me
Two oily latkes
And the drippiest sufganiyot that I’ve ever seen.

On the third day of Chanukka,
My bashert gave to me
Three wiggly pieces of p’tcha,
Two slimy latkes
And the ooziest sufganiyot that I’ve ever seen.

On the fourth day of Hannukkah,
My aishes chayil gave to me
Four cubes of galleh,
Three slithery chunks of p’tcha,
Two greasy latkes
And the most lubricated sufganiyot that I’ve ever seen.

On the fifth day of Khanuka
My libby ivsoori gave to me
Five soggy servings of kugel,
Four wriggling chunks of galleh,
Three seeping pieces of p’tcha,
Two moist latkes
And the slipperiest sufganiyot that I’ve ever seen.

On the sixth day of Chanookuh
My shaifele gave to me
Six straight up bottles of oil,
Five sopping plates of kugel,
Four helpings of vibrating galleh,
Three dishes of soaking p’tcha,
Two sweaty latkes
And the clammiest sufganiyot that I’ve ever seen.

On the seventh day of Khanicha
My aizer kinedgi gave to me
Seven heart palpitations,
Six shortnesses of breath,
Five numbnesses in my left side,
Four bouts of dizziness,
Three fainting spells,
Two clogged arteries
And the most full-blown heart attack that I’ve ever seen.

On the eighth day of Hanuka
My doctor gave to me
Eight rounds of CPR,
Seven bypass surgery,
Six implanted stents,
Five defibrillations,
Four intubations,
Three angioplasties,
Two warnings to change my diet
And the hugest hospital bill that I’ve ever seen.


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